Life Is

14 November 2008

Life Is.  That's where you go for healing, comfort, energy, perspective.

This was my message tonight when I headed to 'Messiah's Handbook'.  

Now all I need to do is make sense of it all.  

Second opinions.  I was mostly interested in what the oncologist had to say (this is the Chemo Master.....or Devil.....depending on how you look at it).  He told me that I was in a grey zone as far as treatment options go.  In his very flat tone, he said, "It would probably be ok if you didn't get chemo and it would probably be ok if you did."  

He and the radiation oncologist suggested study after study that I could participate in, but once again, it puts me into the hands of "The Randomizers".  

So, what am I going to do?  After lots of tears (thank goodness for friend's shoulders), I have decided to go ahead and do the chemo.  This has been agonizing, although when I learned that my chances for recurrence would be lower if I did it, I think I knew in my heart what my decision would be. 

There are times when I can talk about this without crying, times that I have 30 second to 1 minute streams of tears, and times when it lasts longer.  I'm sleeping unassisted (no Ambien, yet), and have been doing a lot of working out.  I want to be strong when I get my surgery on Monday to put in the chemo port and get more margins "dug out" (my surgeon hates when I use that term).  I will then be going to "Chemo School" a week from Monday and am scheduled for my first treatment the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  

I don't know if I can make sense of it all at this point.  My hope is that when I move into the 'amateur' role, that I will be able to get perspective.  I guess for this moment I just have to keep telling myself "Life Is" and grasp the threads of healing, comfort and energy that are offered to me by so many of you.  Thank you for all your help, all your love and your shoulders.