Happy Anniversary!!!

September 18th was a big day for me. A year had passed since "the C Bomb" had been dropped and I did the Moab Century Ride. I had planned to do the ride last year but after getting the news, decided I wasn't about to sit in a car for 7 hours one way with CANCER on my mind.

This year was different. I had a year of blur behind me and my first century ride ahead of me. I had heard about this ride and some of its challenges; namely "The Big Nasty" which is a hill that gains 3000 feet in 7 miles....in the middle of a 28 mile uphill to the top of a pass. Not that big of a deal. I already dealt with 'The Biggest Nasty' of all last year.

In celebration, I added a purple ribbon to my bike. For some reason, purple has been my color throughout this whole cancer ordeal. I added over 100 names to my purple ribbon....a dedication of each mile I rode to the people who had a part in holding my hand throughout the past year. As I rode....and as I struggled up some of the big hills, I looked at my ribbon and sent heartfelt thanks to those people who helped carry me through cancer.

That ribbon still has a place on my bike...and I thank the angels who have a place on my ribbon for having a part in my year.

I Can Smile Again!

A summer after 9 months of blur.
I remember the EXACT moment in a spinning class when I had the tiniest hint of a piece of joy. It was a millisecond of a reminder of that feeling, and I remember feeling choked up and saying to myself, "I want that feeling back!" I truly am feeling some happiness again. There were many times I wondered if it would EVER return.

I still think back on some of my 'cancer anniversaries' and probably will for awhile. I still can get teary. BUT I can SMILE again!

Jungles and Canals

I suppose this would be considered an 'unplanned adventure'....although a different type than the one I've been on for the past many months. Last night I sat on the deck of an old radio tower built by the Americans and turned into a hotel. I watched a sloth (with baby attached) climb up a tree, listened to the distant ghostlike groans of howler monkeys, and smiled along with the antics of flitting toucans. False Vampire Bats visit during the night. I look over the treetops in the jungle and watch ships passing through the Panama Canal.

Spring

This little family of 4 has claimed residence in the wreath outside my front door! When "Momma" heads off for worms in the morning, it presents the perfect opportunity for photos. I climb up on the railing and see what the new day brings for the babes.

Catching the Next Train

I was dropped off the 'radiation train' about a month ago and will be catching the 'hormone therapy' train tomorrow. This train will take me on the next 'ride' that will last 5 years. This daily pill blocks any estrogen that may want to catch a ride in my cells and grow more cancer.

With that being said, I reflect on the the memorable trains I've ridden in my life.

*The train rides in India. Dusty, crowded, lock your bags to the rail so you have it if you just happen to snooze for a few minutes. Men ask "Where is your husband?" and I answer, "I am meeting him in the next town." Eunuchs enter demanding money. The best people watching in the world. The biggest employer in India!

*A train ride to Zaire that didn't happen....luckily... as the train I wanted to take derailed.

*Speedy European trains that leave exactly on time.

*Hopping the freight train from Minneapolis to Glacier National Park. 18 hours of bread and raisins.

*Trains in Thailand that serve some of the spiciest food I've had. Tasted like chicken, yet I'll never know.

*Vietnamese trains. I could ride my bike faster than these! Again, the food tasted like chicken.......

*The train that runs through the Copper Canyon in Mexico....what a feat of engineering!

As I prepare to hear that lonesome whistle blow, I also look forward to the day I wave goodbye to the man waving to me from the caboose....cancer-free, of course!

Worth Checking Out!

Depressing. Then uplifting. Then WOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

Climbing Compared to Cancer

Andre and I went climbing at Shelf Road yesterday. It was a beautiful day. We walked in on a snowy road and were VERY warm at the crag. It felt great to get out and focus on something ELSE! At one point on a bit of a difficult climb (for me), my thought was, "This is easier than cancer"!
That thought got me through some grunty, groany moves!

A Thought

Wherever there is a 'last', there is also a 'first.

Astronomy and 'Bachism'

This is what Richard Bach had to say tonight....on the eve of the 'Grand Finale'

Any different spacetime is a dream
for a good sane Earthling,
which you are going to be
for a little while yet.

Touched By A Blessing

This was sent to me by a woman I met at the Y. She has been free of cancer for 9 years. What a gift it has been to have her enter my life.


A Blessing for a Friend on the Arrival of Illness

Now is the time of dark invitation beyond a frontier you did not expect
Abruptly, your old life seems distant
You barely noticed how each day opened a path through fields never questioned
Yet expected deep down to hold treasure
Now your time on earth becomes full of thresh
Before your eyes your future shrinks
You lived absorbed in the day to day so continuous with everything around you that you could forget that you were separate
Now this dark companion has come between you
Distances have opened in your eyes
You feel it against your will
A stranger has married your heart
Nothing has made you feel so isolated and lost
When the reverberations of shock subside in you
May grace come to restore you to balance
May it shape a new space in your heart to embrace this illness as a teacher who has come to open your life to new worlds
May you find in yourself a courageous hospitality towards what is difficult, painful and unknown
May you learn to use this illness as a lantern to illuminate the new qualities that will emerge in you
May the fragile harvesting of this slow light help to release whatever has become false in you
May you trust this light to clear a path through all the fog of old unease and anxiety until you feel a rising within you, tranquility profound enough to call the storm to stillness
May you find the wisdom to listen to your illness
Ask it why it came
~ John O'Donahue

Gracias Is Not Enough!

Only the 'tip of the iceberg' of the people I have to thank for the incredible support through this part of the journey!

Good Riddance Radiation

Tomorrow is the supposed 'Grand Finale'.
The last walk to the 'linear accelerator'.
The final burn.
The discharge from radiation treatment.

No more cheesy gown and robe.
No more nestling into the customized headrest.
No more dressing and undressing 8 times before 8 a.m.

Shouldn't I be ecstatic?
Shouldn't I be jumping for joy?
Shouldn't I be ready to look back and say "ADIOS" to shedding tears?

I know I shouldn't "should" on myself but to tell you the truth, I'm a bit scared.

Now what?
Is my cancer gone?
Am I free?
Will my spirit quickly return?
What about this exhaustion?
And what about my dear old friend 'Normal'?

In the words of my wise friend Sally, this 'piece' of the journey will soon be behind me...and to that I can say GOOD RIDDANCE! May I NEVER meet this storm again!

Superzap

The 'Boost' has begun. The 'linear accelerator' is now directing electrons instead of photons into the area where the cancer was removed. IF this cancer is to return, it is likely to come back to the same place so the 'boost' gives that specific area a "superzap". The radiated area has shrunk which means the sunburn that has been sneaking in on my upper chest can now mellow out and turn to a permatan. The sunburn where the "superzap" is happening will intensify.

TODAY was my LAST MONDAY of radiation FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hopefully)

My Little Secret Revealed

It was my first day back at work today. No students. Just a few teachers in the building. After being sucked into the blackhole of grouping my students for a field trip taking place in three weeks, I took a short break and walked to the copy machine. I was halfway to the lounge when it dawned on me.....CANCER HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND FOR AN ENTIRE WAKING HOUR!!!!!!!!!!! I was SO excited and broke my wonderful news to the first teacher friend I saw (at the copy machine of course, since that is where much of teacher socializing takes place).

Winter break is every teacher's DREAM (next to summer vacation and spring break)! Despite having many chats with myself and trying to talk myself into the wonderfulness of winter break, I hesitantly admit that it has been difficult for me.
Every day (except weekends and the 2 holidays) began with a radiation treatment.
There it is.
First thing in the morning.
CANCER.
In my face.
Then what? Go for a hike? Go for lunch? Go to the YMCA?
True. The day can only improve after starting with treatment, but it was sometimes difficult to pull myself out of that big dark radiation cloud.

As my teacher friends hunch over, expel a little groan and say, "I'm not ready to go back", I have secretly been thinking, "I'm kind of excited to go back." I'll still have cancer in my face every morning (for 14 more days), but I will then have a destination. A distraction. Seventh grade minds to mold.
There you have it. I fessed up. Hopefully the teachers I see at the copy machine tomorrow won't roll their eyes at me.
However, I must admit, I will probably be ready for summer vacation when the time rolls around.

Happy Snow

I'm HAPPY to say that I am recovering from a wonderfully snowy ski day at Monarch on Saturday and a wonderfully gentle snowy day ski touring near St. Elmo today!
A quiet gentle snow is such a peaceful thing!